As all of you can see just by looking at me that I have struggled with my weight. It has caused me to be depressed, frustrated, angry. I am disappointed in myself. That I have allowed myself to get like this. Growing up and through my high school years, even into my early college years and after having my first born, I never felt fat. No one ever told me I was fat or overweight or even bad looking. In fact, I received my fair share of compliments. Granted I was never supermodel skinny. I have always had a little tummy, but nothing that made me even think twice about my appearance.
After having my daughter I started to notice the weight and it never would come off. I started getting bigger and bigger. My husband and I am sure everyone else noticed too. I have for the better part of nine years worked on getting this weight off only to put it back on. Losing 25 pounds, which is the most I have ever lost on a diet only resulted in me gaining back 35 pounds.
I have prayed and asked God to help me loose the weight. I have even joked that if He would just allow me to wake up at 105 pound I am sure I could maintain it.
I heard our pastor speak this weekend and he was saying that only we control our spirits. God does not even control our spirits. We control how we use what he has blessed us with. From money to our own bodies. Even though all things belong to God, we are in charge of how we care for what He blesses us with. Only I can control what I put into my body, He has blessed me with. This is common sense to a certain degree, yes? I have never really let that sink in. I told my self I was not strong enough to change my eating habits, but the truth is that God has already given me the strength and ability to lose this weight that plagues me. I choose not to be victorious over this, whether I like it or not, it is on me. I can not expect God to hear or even answer prayers for my health or a long life when I am overeating every time I am happy, sad, bored, frustrated. We pray and ask God to bless us with more money, responsibilities at work, recognition, health, more relationships, better relationships but we fail to take care of what we have already. I am incredibly guilty of all of this.
Time to stop. Time to not just try to do better, but actually do better. So here it goes, I begin with all of you aware and watching me. No pressure, really. Not from you watching, but from my kids watching. I want to show them that I can start something and finish it and that it is important to be that kind of person. I want my daughter to see me being healthy and active. I want them to be proud of me. I want them to see me valuing the one and only body I will ever have. I want to show God how grateful I am that He wakes me up everyday and take care of this body he has blessed me with. Do I make any sense? I have wrestled with the idea of sharing my current weight. I have debated in my own head whether or not to tell my own husband. Ugh! I have kept this a closely guarded secret that only my doctor knows. I would hate to hear what the guesses would be, so please don't guess. I will get back to that a little later.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Something is going on...
I know this, something is happening. God is doing something. I have heard time and time again, in these past few weeks of people that I really care about dealing with sickness in them personally or someone they love. My own baby is even going to have to have surgery this coming week. All I can do is pray. That in fact it is the best thing to do, right? Our pastor spoke this week on financial blessing and security. His message, though it was geared toward finances touched on possessions, people and plans. We own nothing, we own no one. It all belongs to God. Thinking about that and what that means. The fact that everything and everyone important to us even ourselves does not belong to us. Not my children, husband, friends, my own body, home, money. Nothing belongs to me. I am in control of none of it. To try to control any of it is insanity in my opinion. I have tried and tried and tried. Only to be hurt, disappointed in my self, others. Gotta let it go. Let everyone go. I have often joked that if everyone I knew would just do what I said they would be happy, I would be happy. I have heard others make that joke too. We think we know everything, we know nothing. God knows...He knows the plans He has for us. His plans are good, His ways are good. I don't know where I am going with this, just that I have come to the conclusion that I have to let it go. Whatever "it" is at the time, who ever "it" is at the time. I am not saying I will not pray over situations and people. We are suppose to. I am saying though that I have to learn that I can't control people, what they say, what they do. Give them to God. Ask Him what I should to with my life, children, future. It was a really great sermon and you should listen to it at yourtrinity.org. Pastor Jimmy says it all a lot better than I do.
Friday, October 15, 2010
On Top of a Mountian
On a much different note from my other post... my husband and I got to go away together! In a rare, but much needed trip we went to Colorado Springs. It was fabulous, but let me start from the beginning.
We or I guess I should say I, have been wanting to see our pastor, who is also a "marriage expert" speak at his marriage conference for years. He often has them here at our church and every single time I have wanted us to go we have been going out of town for other things. On top of the fact that I never want to push my husband to go to these things if it is not in his heart to do so. But this time I did, not push, but I told him straight out that I really wanted to go and to this one imparticular, because it was taking place in Colorado Springs and I love Colorado. To my surprised, pleasantly, my husband said yes he wanted to go and went to work right away on getting the time off. That was nice. And even more surprising and wonderful was him thinking of and looking for a nice bed and breakfast for us to stay at. We had never done anything like that before and he thought of it and pursued it. I love him for doing that. We had such a good time there.
Okay, but all along the way from the time we decided to go to Colorado Springs for this marriage conference to the time we finalized our B&B it seemed like all the other times, when it seemed like everything was working against us to keep us from bettering our marriage and enjoying ourselves. From money issues, which was my main worry to our poor pastor needing emergency retinal surgery and not being able to make the conference. Ugh, as bad as I felt for him and I did, I was truly annoyed. Not with him, but with the fact that it was like just another thing working against us. I was worried that my husband would not want to go to the conference if they were just going to show a video of the pastor speaking and I wasn't going to push him to go if he was not interested. But to my surprise again he wanted to go still and we did. It was such a blessing to me to hear all we heard. God pointed out somethings to me that I could and needed to change and I think my husband learned somethings too. The conference was two days, but we only went one because we spent money on this Bed and Breakfast and didn't want to miss the breakfast at this place our first morning there. I wouldn't have minded missing the breakfast to go back to the conference, but again, I don't like to push. We stayed in for breakfast and got to tour Manitou Springs and other parts of Colorado Springs. We went to the top of Pikes Peak, I never thought I would ever stand on top of a mountain! I was so happy! Spending time with my husband, relaxing and being in awe of what a beautiful place we were staying in was all so great I was sad to leave. We had fun together. I fell in love with my husband again for making the efforts that he did. It is hard for him, I'm sure, to open up to me but he did. And I think it was even harder for me to try to open up to him in such a intimate setting (the marriage conference). I can't wait to do this again.
I could go on and on about the beauty of the mountains and the great things we heard in our partial marriage conference and how great the breakfast was at our B&B, it was so good. The only thing I would change was the innkeeper letting us know not to leave food in our car because it could attract bears! I had never even thought to worry about that until he brought it up as a possibility.
We or I guess I should say I, have been wanting to see our pastor, who is also a "marriage expert" speak at his marriage conference for years. He often has them here at our church and every single time I have wanted us to go we have been going out of town for other things. On top of the fact that I never want to push my husband to go to these things if it is not in his heart to do so. But this time I did, not push, but I told him straight out that I really wanted to go and to this one imparticular, because it was taking place in Colorado Springs and I love Colorado. To my surprised, pleasantly, my husband said yes he wanted to go and went to work right away on getting the time off. That was nice. And even more surprising and wonderful was him thinking of and looking for a nice bed and breakfast for us to stay at. We had never done anything like that before and he thought of it and pursued it. I love him for doing that. We had such a good time there.
Okay, but all along the way from the time we decided to go to Colorado Springs for this marriage conference to the time we finalized our B&B it seemed like all the other times, when it seemed like everything was working against us to keep us from bettering our marriage and enjoying ourselves. From money issues, which was my main worry to our poor pastor needing emergency retinal surgery and not being able to make the conference. Ugh, as bad as I felt for him and I did, I was truly annoyed. Not with him, but with the fact that it was like just another thing working against us. I was worried that my husband would not want to go to the conference if they were just going to show a video of the pastor speaking and I wasn't going to push him to go if he was not interested. But to my surprise again he wanted to go still and we did. It was such a blessing to me to hear all we heard. God pointed out somethings to me that I could and needed to change and I think my husband learned somethings too. The conference was two days, but we only went one because we spent money on this Bed and Breakfast and didn't want to miss the breakfast at this place our first morning there. I wouldn't have minded missing the breakfast to go back to the conference, but again, I don't like to push. We stayed in for breakfast and got to tour Manitou Springs and other parts of Colorado Springs. We went to the top of Pikes Peak, I never thought I would ever stand on top of a mountain! I was so happy! Spending time with my husband, relaxing and being in awe of what a beautiful place we were staying in was all so great I was sad to leave. We had fun together. I fell in love with my husband again for making the efforts that he did. It is hard for him, I'm sure, to open up to me but he did. And I think it was even harder for me to try to open up to him in such a intimate setting (the marriage conference). I can't wait to do this again.
I could go on and on about the beauty of the mountains and the great things we heard in our partial marriage conference and how great the breakfast was at our B&B, it was so good. The only thing I would change was the innkeeper letting us know not to leave food in our car because it could attract bears! I had never even thought to worry about that until he brought it up as a possibility.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Friday at last!!
What a busy week! I thought I would have more time on my hands when my kids started school, but that is just not the case. I am glad though because most of my time this week was spent and both my kids Mom In Touch prayer groups. I went to my daughters for the first time and had to take my little one, of course. I came prepared. I brought his cars, three of them. Which I gave to him one at a time so he would not get bored with them all at once and I took him some milk in case he started to fuss. He ate a good breakfast and slept well the night before. Didn't matter though, he reacted just the same! It was awful! He was loud and yelling through most of the prayer time and was ramming his stroller into everything in the room. He was throwing his cars and juice cup everywhere. I was mortified, needless to say. These ladies, just like the ones as my oldest sons MITI prayer meeting were just as gracious and forgiving of his behaviour and encouraged me to comeback. We'll see.
I was so happy to be there because it was my time to pray for my girl. She really needed it this week and we needed it too. She has had a bad week listening, lying and with her attitude. Sometimes, well most of the time, with her I feel like I am at a total loss. She can be very hard headed and doesn't seem to understand the consequences of her actions, even to the extent that a 8, almost 9 year old should. All she sees is that we are getting on to her and that we are punishing her. I know this from finding a little note in her room that said "I hate mom, she is mean to me." Honestly this doesn't hurt my feelings. In the past it would have, but now I realize that she is a kid and doesn't mean it and even if she does, she won't for long. But, what does bother me is that she is not getting anything out of her punishments other than "hate" for me and seeing me as being "mean" to her. We have taken things away from her from privileges to toys, t.v. time, desserts, we have tried spankings, chores on top of her regular chores. What is next after all that??? All I can do is pray for her and us and give her to God. Ask Him and trust that he will guide us with her and that one day (hopefully in my lifetime) she will learn her lessons.
She is so precious and sweet. She is beautiful and loving and helpful and caring. She is not afraid to try things and she is smart. She is changing so much, so fast and I don't want her to spend so much time in trouble. I miss her when she is having to be in her room, punished. I hate not taking her places with me because she has lied again or destroyed something. She is my only girl and I want us to be close. I have seen lots of hard headed and rebellious daughters grow older and turn there hearts back to God and their parents, I pray for that, sooner rather than later, like today!
I was so happy to be there because it was my time to pray for my girl. She really needed it this week and we needed it too. She has had a bad week listening, lying and with her attitude. Sometimes, well most of the time, with her I feel like I am at a total loss. She can be very hard headed and doesn't seem to understand the consequences of her actions, even to the extent that a 8, almost 9 year old should. All she sees is that we are getting on to her and that we are punishing her. I know this from finding a little note in her room that said "I hate mom, she is mean to me." Honestly this doesn't hurt my feelings. In the past it would have, but now I realize that she is a kid and doesn't mean it and even if she does, she won't for long. But, what does bother me is that she is not getting anything out of her punishments other than "hate" for me and seeing me as being "mean" to her. We have taken things away from her from privileges to toys, t.v. time, desserts, we have tried spankings, chores on top of her regular chores. What is next after all that??? All I can do is pray for her and us and give her to God. Ask Him and trust that he will guide us with her and that one day (hopefully in my lifetime) she will learn her lessons.
She is so precious and sweet. She is beautiful and loving and helpful and caring. She is not afraid to try things and she is smart. She is changing so much, so fast and I don't want her to spend so much time in trouble. I miss her when she is having to be in her room, punished. I hate not taking her places with me because she has lied again or destroyed something. She is my only girl and I want us to be close. I have seen lots of hard headed and rebellious daughters grow older and turn there hearts back to God and their parents, I pray for that, sooner rather than later, like today!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Thursday Moms In Touch Meeting and my number one son
Well today was quite different than last Thursdays meeting. My little one stayed home with his dad and I got to go to the prayer meeting by myself, which made for a less exciting, but more focused morning for prayer. There were two other moms besides me today and it was so nice to hear one of the moms pray for her son and in her prayer she described his personality and it was very similar to my son's personality. My oldest is such a sweet spirited person. The best person I know really. I say that without any prejudice as his mother. Looking at him as a person in his own right, he really is the best person I know. Genuinely forgiving in the way that God wants us to be, it really blows my mind to think about it. I have never known anyone that way. He doesn't think or function in a selfish manner. He would give you the shirt off his back. I have worried that his good heart would get him into trouble, or just broken hearted. Both have happened to some degree. It kills me. So I have, quite a few times, tried to "toughen" him up. I have tried to get him to think more suspiciously of people and their intentions or not be so "gullible". I have felt though, in my heart that I am not doing him any favors, by trying to change who God has created him to be. So now I am learning a little more everyday to give him to God in prayer and encourage his wonderful qualities and attributes. They are what God wants the rest of us to be. I can't really remember the last time I forgave someone without still carrying the effects of their wrong with me in some way, allowing it to affect the way I treat them or others after I have "forgiven", can you? I have seen my son do this repeatedly. It is truly one of the genuinely humble things I have seen. I am by no means saying he is perfect. He still fights with his brother and sister and has on occasion tried to lie to get, or keep himself from getting into trouble, but to know him is to have a personal picture of the type of person God wants us to be. Forgiving, loving, selfless, humble are just a few of the attributes of my son. So I prayed for him today and I will continue to do so with these other moms, that he will continue to be this person he has been created to be and that he will not be "conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of his mind..." (paraphrased from Romans 12:2) to the will and desires of his heavenly Father. And that I against my worldly instincts will encourage him to continue to be those things.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
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